Bueller....Bueller.....Bueller

Hey ya'll! I'm still alive and kicking....no worries.

I have just been trying to sort through my thoughts and get my self back on track with my diet.

I did finally cave in and binge on all sorts of badness and I am officially "starting over".

I'm allowed to start over as with many things in life. So here I am, starting again. YAY!

So, here goes....

Breakfast: Eggs and Meat, nonfat greek yogurt w/wheat germ (can't do oat bran and wheat germ has a huge leap more protein anyhow)

Lunch: Tuna

Dinner: Garlic Lime Chicken

I am going to focus on my water today and make sure to walk up and down the stair case here in the new office.

My mom's 60th birthday is today and I am taking her and my daughter out to see Earth, Wind and Fire live in concert! It should be a great show!

I will get back on track with regular posting tomorrow as well.........guess who's baaaaaaccccckkk!!!!

Hugs....

The Climb....

So today, as cheesy as it is, "The Climb" has been my motivation to get out of bed and get going.

At the advice of the Dukan Dietress (our magical weight loss fairygodmother) I'm going to suck it up and move on.

The most painful thing that I was ever told during a breakup was...ready? Here goes: "Living a Life with you would be like living a life full of despair"

Yep. (note: this person is still a friend of mine)

That was trumped with this breakup though.....although not a flattering combo of words like the above heart crushing statement.....it still goes into the hall of fame

The winner??? "I don't know why we were even together in the first place" ( Nearly 4 years later, just said the day before yesterday) OUCH!!!! (but, this is a friend now too)

Now, that was soul crushing....but...I have put the pieces back together.....and I'm hugging me and validating me.

(Sounds like my "friends" don't have a very high opinion of me, huh? I just have to be thankful that I have people to call a friend I guess)

So, to make it final...one last thing.....

I do want to say, no matter how miserable I may be or how much misery I create or if people can spend 4 years of there life with me an then wonder why they were ever with me to begin with....(sheesh), I am certain that I am here to love and be loved.

So, I won't be a downer anymore. Cause no one wants to hear it anyway.

I will shift the course of my cruise ship toward happy island instead of being caught up in the storm of the broken heart. Deal? Great.

Back to this diet thing.....Dukan was what it was called right??? To celebrate....here are the lyrics to "The Climb"

The Climb lyricsSongwriters: Alexander, J; Mabe, J;
I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa
175lbs....here I come!

Hugs....

I am not broken, I am free...

Heartbreak opens onto the sunrise
For even breaking is opening
And I am broken
I am open
Broken to the new light without
pushing in
Open to the possibilities within
pushing out
See the love shine in through my
cracks
See the light shine out through me?
I am broken
I am open
I am Broken Open
See the love-light shining through
me
Shining through my cracks
Through the gaps
My Spirit takes journey
My Spirit takes flight
Could not have risen otherwise
And I am not Running
I am Choosing
Running is not a Choice
From the Breaking
Breaking is freeing
Broken is freedom
I am not broken
I am free.
- Pariah (Ending poem)

So this poem comes from a movie named "Pariah" and it is very fitting for me today. As many of you know my blog has been a "debbie downer" blog as of late due to my family being ripped away from me. However, I came to the realization that I have to continue being me. I can't allow myself not to be me. No matter how wronged I feel and no matter how hurt I am from the lies and the broken promises, I must be me.

I knew a long time ago that the only "person" in my life would be my daughter and GOD. However, I kept hoping that there may be someone out there that wanted nothing more than me. I thought I had found that and I pushed everything I know and love away to keep it and the end result is I am alone again as always.

It's not you, its me.....that thing. However, it is me and its me because my life is not here for sharing it with some other individual. My life is here to be available to and guide my daughter and serve my Lord. There is room for NOTHING else. Something always removes others from me. It's tragic and the majority of the time I hate it and I wish things were different and I wish people wouldn't even come around me when they are just gonna walk right out when they want. Leaving me with all the responsibility while they walk out free and enjoy their lives. But, it's not for me to decide and I am always able to take care of myself and I will always be able to, because GOD does that for me.

If I relied on people I would be shriveled up and frail, beaten, raped, malnourished and sleeping in a ditch, because people don't care for me, GOD does though. So I haven't had to live out the plans that others have made for me. Thank GOD for that.

I can't focus on the past and make it to my future. I mostly hate that I had my daughter thinking I could provide her with a stable two parent home, cause I can't. I will never give up my full time job of being a single mother again in order to make another person part of our home. Cause at the end of the day, they walk out anyway and I don't want that life for my daughter. I hope one day she understands that I was only trying to be loved. I should have focused on her love alone and I wouldn't have to tell her sorry now.

But, I am NOT BROKEN, I AM FREE....

Hugs...
 

Balls...(Just wanted to say that)

I will NOT be made to feel as though I have done something wrong or that I am not worthy to be loved. Just because another person can not see anything valuable within me that does not lessen me. I deserve love from someone who loves me in the way love is supposed to be. It shouldn't be attached to genitals or words spoken or unspoken or points made or not made. I know I am worth more than I am being made to feel. I know that I don't have to beg for love and I know I don't have to have any friends to be looked upon as a friend. I AM SOMEBODY WONDERFUL. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AND I WILL ALWAYS BE.

I may be alone on this planet but my father in heaven has a place for me and I will be welcomed with open arms and loved and cared for and HE will NEVER walk away from me or try to make me feel less than or worthless or unwanted like people in this life seem to want me to feel those things on a 24 hour rotation. My own family and the one I thought I was making as well. Stupid me.

If all I have to hope for is the LORD then I have everything. I was an idiot to put my trust in people and listen to their lying mouths and words and empty feelings. Lies, Lies, Lies. I know I haven't done anything to deserve being treated this way in this life by anyone I have held close to me and one day these people will wish that what they promised and said and felt was so important means nothing because they missed the point and that was being loyal and appreciative of someone who would have always been in their corner and on their side. But the battle is more important than the war to most. Very few people can focus on the Journey instead of the path. That is NOT my fault and I will NOT feel less than because they are too foolish to see what they are doing to me. How they are hurting me and how they are making sure what they are hurthing stays broken and hurt and they laugh somewhere inside and I just cry.

Once they do. It will be too late. But even then, they won't care. God help me. You are the only one who even sees who I am. Praise you because of it.

Life, it keeps happening. Then one day it doesn't and you don't even know it anyway.

Hugs...

Back On The Wagon

So, I was reading Dukan Dietress' page and discovered that I myself need to really think about what is done in the dark.

I haven't been cheating with any carbs (I'm not even up for allowed cheat meals so ANY cheating is breaking the rules, but I digress) However, I have also been saying that Bailey's is not a carb and that Guiness is not a carb.....how foolish and self decieving is that???!!!!???

Well, they are carbs and having them nearly every day after the weekend as well, whether that be one or five is NOT the business. I also got to thinking about an earlier post of mine where I was talking about being afraid of losing weight. This all ties in together because I always do something to self sabotage. This time my brain got really, really, sneakY!! Darn thing. Making me think the booze juice is not a carb....HA!

So, confounded! I gotcha now and I'm back on the wagon and going to refocus. I am happy about catching myself in a lie....lol. I'm getting smarter than me in my old age, go figure huh?

Anyhoo, so as of today I am going to be sure to get all 3 liters of my water in and I will also begin writing down what I plan to eat. This is only going to be done because I mostly fly by the seat of my pants in respect to choosing what is going into my mouth and I'm not up for that "Daredevil" weight loss right now because at any moment I could be doing the bad thing....and I don't go for bad........Shape Up!!!

I have been provided with a new room to workout in (laundry room) where everything won't be bouncing with me while I move (Thanks S). So now that I won't have to overcome the OMG its Godzilla, Ahhhhhh!, thing that happens when I workout in the living room, things should be easier to do.

That's all for right now people....

Hugs...

Summer Camp Sign Up

Verdict: 326.4


So, I am going to get my daughter enrolled in summer camp. It is the county summer camp program but it builds character anyway.

I had to go to the frickin base youth center summer camp ran by teenagers when I was coming up and I made it out alive......lol....so, she will be fine. Socialization at its fine, bare bones.

I am up about 4.2 pounds and I knew that I was up. I am a bit ashamed to have to report that but at the same time, I'm not gonna pull any punches. I am going to get back on track and stop trying to wallow. This is ridiculously tough right now but I owe it to myself to try to make it through without gaining back every pound I have lost in the process.

I haven't been taking my medication correctly, haven't been doing any meditation, haven't been doing any exercising. So, its time to get back on task.

I have readings tonight and I REALLY don't want to go. Part of it is me punishing myself and the other part of it is me wanting to just go home (and wallow). So, I will more than likely go.

I am praying that things change in my personal relationship. I know what I want to happen and hopefully God will lead it to that place. I am going to try to remain calm and hopeful in the process.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Hugs....

It's Real...

Depression is real that is. I have been trying to smile through it and forget about the reasons and navigate myself to the other side, whatever that is. It's not happening though. I feel like a zombie. I'm detached from reality from myself from others from life. I'm not suicidal or anything stupid like that. I'm a realist, even in my detached state. This is just a portion of life that I don't have the ability to adjust to just yet. I'm overwhelmed by how unfair it all is. I am stuck in a state of disbelief and doing the adult thing. I'm miserable. Not myself. I don't have any clue of how things are supposed to be and it is so frustrating. I have invested all of my life in what I thought my life was going to be and now it isn't and I have NO idea what to do about it or about me.

It seems as though this will never be over. This feeling I mean. I know it isn't true but it doesn't stop me from thinking that or feeling that. Mostly wondering if there is ever anyone that wants to be there for and with me. Probably not. More than likely not. It is just the design of my life I suppose. It really is too much to think about. I know that if this didn't work I am not willing to try any more. I just get to sit back and watch everyone move on with their lives and I just dutifully report and do what I am supposed to do and wait for the day when I have done all I am here to do and that is that. Sad. Pitiful.

I am all the way off the diet. I have not actually eaten any sugar or carbs but I'm not trying either. I haven't exercised and I don't want to either. I have been doing the PP days and the PV days but it is mostly just auto pilot. I actually feel like I am gaining weight but I'm too scared to get on the scales and have yet another thing I'm not able to maintain be shoved in my face at this point in time.

It's already 11:30pm and I know that I won't sleep until 2am or so because that's how it always is when my mind is full and my heart is empty. I just wait to pass out and then work doubly hard to drag myself back out of bed again in the morning. Paste that fake ass smile back on and go out there and do what I am supposed to do.

I don't yet understand why I am so undesireable and useless in other people's lives. I know that this is a huge reason why food is such a good friend of mine because I have never had to deal with it walking away and I have never been "not good enough" to have food. I just don't have any words that accurately describe how I feel inside. The depth of the emptiness can not be described. However, no one cares and it doesn't matter because others have their plans and their backup plans and their wants and desires. I am just the idiot that is always believing in what I have and trusting that it will remain. I am a fool. Just not aware of how things can be and even though it has happened over and over in my life, I am always surprised and caught off guard and unprepared to handle it when it comes.

It's not fair. It's wrong. It's unfair, it's unfair, it's unfair and it isn't right.

I will stop complaining and whining about being alone eventually. To anyone that doesn't wanna read this, I apologize. However, this blog is for me most of all and right now besides food and alcohol, it's the only thing I have to talk to. That's sad. But that's MY life.

Hugs...