Balls...(Just wanted to say that)

I will NOT be made to feel as though I have done something wrong or that I am not worthy to be loved. Just because another person can not see anything valuable within me that does not lessen me. I deserve love from someone who loves me in the way love is supposed to be. It shouldn't be attached to genitals or words spoken or unspoken or points made or not made. I know I am worth more than I am being made to feel. I know that I don't have to beg for love and I know I don't have to have any friends to be looked upon as a friend. I AM SOMEBODY WONDERFUL. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AND I WILL ALWAYS BE.

I may be alone on this planet but my father in heaven has a place for me and I will be welcomed with open arms and loved and cared for and HE will NEVER walk away from me or try to make me feel less than or worthless or unwanted like people in this life seem to want me to feel those things on a 24 hour rotation. My own family and the one I thought I was making as well. Stupid me.

If all I have to hope for is the LORD then I have everything. I was an idiot to put my trust in people and listen to their lying mouths and words and empty feelings. Lies, Lies, Lies. I know I haven't done anything to deserve being treated this way in this life by anyone I have held close to me and one day these people will wish that what they promised and said and felt was so important means nothing because they missed the point and that was being loyal and appreciative of someone who would have always been in their corner and on their side. But the battle is more important than the war to most. Very few people can focus on the Journey instead of the path. That is NOT my fault and I will NOT feel less than because they are too foolish to see what they are doing to me. How they are hurting me and how they are making sure what they are hurthing stays broken and hurt and they laugh somewhere inside and I just cry.

Once they do. It will be too late. But even then, they won't care. God help me. You are the only one who even sees who I am. Praise you because of it.

Life, it keeps happening. Then one day it doesn't and you don't even know it anyway.

Hugs...

Back On The Wagon

So, I was reading Dukan Dietress' page and discovered that I myself need to really think about what is done in the dark.

I haven't been cheating with any carbs (I'm not even up for allowed cheat meals so ANY cheating is breaking the rules, but I digress) However, I have also been saying that Bailey's is not a carb and that Guiness is not a carb.....how foolish and self decieving is that???!!!!???

Well, they are carbs and having them nearly every day after the weekend as well, whether that be one or five is NOT the business. I also got to thinking about an earlier post of mine where I was talking about being afraid of losing weight. This all ties in together because I always do something to self sabotage. This time my brain got really, really, sneakY!! Darn thing. Making me think the booze juice is not a carb....HA!

So, confounded! I gotcha now and I'm back on the wagon and going to refocus. I am happy about catching myself in a lie....lol. I'm getting smarter than me in my old age, go figure huh?

Anyhoo, so as of today I am going to be sure to get all 3 liters of my water in and I will also begin writing down what I plan to eat. This is only going to be done because I mostly fly by the seat of my pants in respect to choosing what is going into my mouth and I'm not up for that "Daredevil" weight loss right now because at any moment I could be doing the bad thing....and I don't go for bad........Shape Up!!!

I have been provided with a new room to workout in (laundry room) where everything won't be bouncing with me while I move (Thanks S). So now that I won't have to overcome the OMG its Godzilla, Ahhhhhh!, thing that happens when I workout in the living room, things should be easier to do.

That's all for right now people....

Hugs...

Summer Camp Sign Up

Verdict: 326.4


So, I am going to get my daughter enrolled in summer camp. It is the county summer camp program but it builds character anyway.

I had to go to the frickin base youth center summer camp ran by teenagers when I was coming up and I made it out alive......lol....so, she will be fine. Socialization at its fine, bare bones.

I am up about 4.2 pounds and I knew that I was up. I am a bit ashamed to have to report that but at the same time, I'm not gonna pull any punches. I am going to get back on track and stop trying to wallow. This is ridiculously tough right now but I owe it to myself to try to make it through without gaining back every pound I have lost in the process.

I haven't been taking my medication correctly, haven't been doing any meditation, haven't been doing any exercising. So, its time to get back on task.

I have readings tonight and I REALLY don't want to go. Part of it is me punishing myself and the other part of it is me wanting to just go home (and wallow). So, I will more than likely go.

I am praying that things change in my personal relationship. I know what I want to happen and hopefully God will lead it to that place. I am going to try to remain calm and hopeful in the process.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Hugs....

It's Real...

Depression is real that is. I have been trying to smile through it and forget about the reasons and navigate myself to the other side, whatever that is. It's not happening though. I feel like a zombie. I'm detached from reality from myself from others from life. I'm not suicidal or anything stupid like that. I'm a realist, even in my detached state. This is just a portion of life that I don't have the ability to adjust to just yet. I'm overwhelmed by how unfair it all is. I am stuck in a state of disbelief and doing the adult thing. I'm miserable. Not myself. I don't have any clue of how things are supposed to be and it is so frustrating. I have invested all of my life in what I thought my life was going to be and now it isn't and I have NO idea what to do about it or about me.

It seems as though this will never be over. This feeling I mean. I know it isn't true but it doesn't stop me from thinking that or feeling that. Mostly wondering if there is ever anyone that wants to be there for and with me. Probably not. More than likely not. It is just the design of my life I suppose. It really is too much to think about. I know that if this didn't work I am not willing to try any more. I just get to sit back and watch everyone move on with their lives and I just dutifully report and do what I am supposed to do and wait for the day when I have done all I am here to do and that is that. Sad. Pitiful.

I am all the way off the diet. I have not actually eaten any sugar or carbs but I'm not trying either. I haven't exercised and I don't want to either. I have been doing the PP days and the PV days but it is mostly just auto pilot. I actually feel like I am gaining weight but I'm too scared to get on the scales and have yet another thing I'm not able to maintain be shoved in my face at this point in time.

It's already 11:30pm and I know that I won't sleep until 2am or so because that's how it always is when my mind is full and my heart is empty. I just wait to pass out and then work doubly hard to drag myself back out of bed again in the morning. Paste that fake ass smile back on and go out there and do what I am supposed to do.

I don't yet understand why I am so undesireable and useless in other people's lives. I know that this is a huge reason why food is such a good friend of mine because I have never had to deal with it walking away and I have never been "not good enough" to have food. I just don't have any words that accurately describe how I feel inside. The depth of the emptiness can not be described. However, no one cares and it doesn't matter because others have their plans and their backup plans and their wants and desires. I am just the idiot that is always believing in what I have and trusting that it will remain. I am a fool. Just not aware of how things can be and even though it has happened over and over in my life, I am always surprised and caught off guard and unprepared to handle it when it comes.

It's not fair. It's wrong. It's unfair, it's unfair, it's unfair and it isn't right.

I will stop complaining and whining about being alone eventually. To anyone that doesn't wanna read this, I apologize. However, this blog is for me most of all and right now besides food and alcohol, it's the only thing I have to talk to. That's sad. But that's MY life.

Hugs...

T.G.I.F.

I'm pretty sure I could make a TGIF post every week. Definately this week though. It seems like every single day has been Monday. Not cool. I am looking forward to next week being a better week for sure.

Small triumph. I actually fit into a pair of 24 pants. I know, still quite expansive, however, it is better than a 26/28. I'm happy that there are changes showing but wish the scale would move.

I haven't been doing my Zumba or my walking though, so we shalt not B....if you know what I mean. I am trying to stick to everything and stay focused.

Food has so often been my refuge and alcohol too. I have had a few but that is a constant thing for me pretty much. I like to socialize with the ooze included. However, I have been moderate and not over the edge. I know this isn't Dukan to the fullest but it's my way so don't judge me. I'm just not gonna complain about the scale not moving....lol.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weeked. Love ya all.

Hugs.....

Just Smile and Wave

So, it feels like 10 million years since I have posted. I have just been being slack because there are a few obstacles that have come along that I wasn't expecting to have to deal with really. Such is life I guess.

Kinda brings me to the point of my post.

What happens when you haven't counted your eggs before they are hatched but you have lent someone else your basket???

What I mean is that sometimes you give up so much of yourself and your control to another person that when they are going to leave you they are walking out with your life too. Your hopes, your dreams, your love....it feels like your life has been hijacked.

Why is it like that? We can blame it on love, I'm sure but there has to be some point of self-actualization that occurs and says.....behave this way  and do this thing and just be prepared for this ride because I have super-glued myself to the seat and I am not getting off.

I have been dealing with feeling like a fool, feeling like I should have stopped the madness much sooner, feeling like its my fault why people always leave me, feeling like, feeling like, feeling like. But, feelings are foolish mostly. Feelings get people up on rooftops willing to jump. I have to live in reality based thinking, I can't be overcome with feelings. Yucky and messy emotions. They are debilitating, to me. I can't function at a peak level if I allow that to consume me.

I'm not gonna lie, it bothers me to feel as though I will remain alone. Neither man nor women know how to deal with me nor do they seem to care to find out. Yet they all wanna still be my "friend". I don't want a friend, I want a companion. I don't want to get abused to fullfil that need for companionship either.

I don't feel as though it is my continued responsibility to manage loved ones' emotions because they can't get clear in their own heads and hearts what to do about their feelings. However, it always becomes my fault. It is always about me not listening enough, me not understanding enough, me not, me not, me not, me not.

My looming and unresolved question is what the hell about you???????!!!!!! I can take responsibility for your feelings and for my "lack of understanding" and all of that but what ownership do you take for that? None. People wanna talk about their actions being inexcusable. What about your lack of ownership for trying to force me to work through YOUR feelings. I feel like a cesspool filled with the waste of other people's emotions. However, I'm supposed to just keep smiling and be open to listen and understand whenever any "feelings" come up or out, no matter the circumstance....and if I dare not to....then I am subject to be left alone or cussed out or gone off on or disregarded or disrespected. It becomes my fault.

I used to say my life was like a convalescent home where friends and family came to spend their final days before leaving me alone. I'm like everyone's personal hospice. When is it my turn to have the same care and comfort shed upon me.

It's like my ears and my heart and my mind are like Santa's lap and there is a line wrapped around the mall for miles and as soon as one jumps off my "lap" another jumps on and I'm never supposed to need to stretch, talk about my desires or wants or needs or anything. Just sit still, smile for the camera and keep asking what the next in line wants from me. And, just like Santa, I never show when it "counts" or someone whispers in their ear after they have left my lap that I wasn't really a real person anyway. Then people forget about me and move on. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I can feel myself getting depressed and I don't want it. I hate being so lost and confused. I am strong though, unfortunately. So I have no choice but to get through this, no matter how bad it hurts. The mall is packed and I'm late for my performance.

Hugs.

T.O.M. Lethargy

So, today is the 3rd already and I have been M.I.A. with good reason really. This will be TMI but it is true....TOM had my butt completely kicked and I was running on fumes!!!! This is the first month that I have experienced this with Dukan and I am definately going to have to make some changes to handle that energy dip. Even exercising has been challenging just due to TOM. That is unacceptable.

On a lighter less disgusting note......I GOT NOMINATED FOR A LEIBER AWARD!!!! YIP YIP YIPPEE!!!

The lovely Melliee from Ponderosity nominated me and I feel like a real live blogger now. Yay Me!

I have to scour my reading list for blogs to nominate now because I subscribe to all the same blogs the people that follow me do and so its like 3 degrees of seperation instead of 6...lol.

I am very honored though. I don't post recipes and all of that and sometimes that makes me feel like I'm not a "real" blogger for Dukan stuff but I use the recipes I find on other blogs, so I figure that counts too.....maybe.....ahhhhhh we will say it does.

I'm still at the same weight but my inches are coming down, I can tell by the fit of my clothes. I went to a friend's birthday party last night and wore an outfit I hadn't worn in a while and it fit so nicely that I wasn't tugging and pulling on myself all night. That was a new and very much liked experience.

I found some zero carb red bull too.....yum! I'm all about that. This post is pretty much a ramble for right now. I will come and put together a quality post later.

Just wanted everyone to know I'm still alive and I'm still on Dukan and I am still committed to changing my life.

Gotta go check out all of your blogs now and get myself up to date on my peeps!!!

Hugs...