I will NOT be made to feel as though I have done something wrong or that I am not worthy to be loved. Just because another person can not see anything valuable within me that does not lessen me. I deserve love from someone who loves me in the way love is supposed to be. It shouldn't be attached to genitals or words spoken or unspoken or points made or not made. I know I am worth more than I am being made to feel. I know that I don't have to beg for love and I know I don't have to have any friends to be looked upon as a friend. I AM SOMEBODY WONDERFUL. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AND I WILL ALWAYS BE.
I may be alone on this planet but my father in heaven has a place for me and I will be welcomed with open arms and loved and cared for and HE will NEVER walk away from me or try to make me feel less than or worthless or unwanted like people in this life seem to want me to feel those things on a 24 hour rotation. My own family and the one I thought I was making as well. Stupid me.
If all I have to hope for is the LORD then I have everything. I was an idiot to put my trust in people and listen to their lying mouths and words and empty feelings. Lies, Lies, Lies. I know I haven't done anything to deserve being treated this way in this life by anyone I have held close to me and one day these people will wish that what they promised and said and felt was so important means nothing because they missed the point and that was being loyal and appreciative of someone who would have always been in their corner and on their side. But the battle is more important than the war to most. Very few people can focus on the Journey instead of the path. That is NOT my fault and I will NOT feel less than because they are too foolish to see what they are doing to me. How they are hurting me and how they are making sure what they are hurthing stays broken and hurt and they laugh somewhere inside and I just cry.
Once they do. It will be too late. But even then, they won't care. God help me. You are the only one who even sees who I am. Praise you because of it.
Life, it keeps happening. Then one day it doesn't and you don't even know it anyway.
Hugs...
Friday, June 15, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Back On The Wagon
So, I was reading Dukan Dietress' page and discovered that I myself need to really think about what is done in the dark.
I haven't been cheating with any carbs (I'm not even up for allowed cheat meals so ANY cheating is breaking the rules, but I digress) However, I have also been saying that Bailey's is not a carb and that Guiness is not a carb.....how foolish and self decieving is that???!!!!???
Well, they are carbs and having them nearly every day after the weekend as well, whether that be one or five is NOT the business. I also got to thinking about an earlier post of mine where I was talking about being afraid of losing weight. This all ties in together because I always do something to self sabotage. This time my brain got really, really, sneakY!! Darn thing. Making me think the booze juice is not a carb....HA!
So, confounded! I gotcha now and I'm back on the wagon and going to refocus. I am happy about catching myself in a lie....lol. I'm getting smarter than me in my old age, go figure huh?
Anyhoo, so as of today I am going to be sure to get all 3 liters of my water in and I will also begin writing down what I plan to eat. This is only going to be done because I mostly fly by the seat of my pants in respect to choosing what is going into my mouth and I'm not up for that "Daredevil" weight loss right now because at any moment I could be doing the bad thing....and I don't go for bad........Shape Up!!!
I have been provided with a new room to workout in (laundry room) where everything won't be bouncing with me while I move (Thanks S). So now that I won't have to overcome the OMG its Godzilla, Ahhhhhh!, thing that happens when I workout in the living room, things should be easier to do.
That's all for right now people....
Hugs...
I haven't been cheating with any carbs (I'm not even up for allowed cheat meals so ANY cheating is breaking the rules, but I digress) However, I have also been saying that Bailey's is not a carb and that Guiness is not a carb.....how foolish and self decieving is that???!!!!???
Well, they are carbs and having them nearly every day after the weekend as well, whether that be one or five is NOT the business. I also got to thinking about an earlier post of mine where I was talking about being afraid of losing weight. This all ties in together because I always do something to self sabotage. This time my brain got really, really, sneakY!! Darn thing. Making me think the booze juice is not a carb....HA!
So, confounded! I gotcha now and I'm back on the wagon and going to refocus. I am happy about catching myself in a lie....lol. I'm getting smarter than me in my old age, go figure huh?
Anyhoo, so as of today I am going to be sure to get all 3 liters of my water in and I will also begin writing down what I plan to eat. This is only going to be done because I mostly fly by the seat of my pants in respect to choosing what is going into my mouth and I'm not up for that "Daredevil" weight loss right now because at any moment I could be doing the bad thing....and I don't go for bad........Shape Up!!!
I have been provided with a new room to workout in (laundry room) where everything won't be bouncing with me while I move (Thanks S). So now that I won't have to overcome the OMG its Godzilla, Ahhhhhh!, thing that happens when I workout in the living room, things should be easier to do.
That's all for right now people....
Hugs...
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Summer Camp Sign Up
Verdict: 326.4
So, I am going to get my daughter enrolled in summer camp. It is the county summer camp program but it builds character anyway.
I had to go to the frickin base youth center summer camp ran by teenagers when I was coming up and I made it out alive......lol....so, she will be fine. Socialization at its fine, bare bones.
I am up about 4.2 pounds and I knew that I was up. I am a bit ashamed to have to report that but at the same time, I'm not gonna pull any punches. I am going to get back on track and stop trying to wallow. This is ridiculously tough right now but I owe it to myself to try to make it through without gaining back every pound I have lost in the process.
I haven't been taking my medication correctly, haven't been doing any meditation, haven't been doing any exercising. So, its time to get back on task.
I have readings tonight and I REALLY don't want to go. Part of it is me punishing myself and the other part of it is me wanting to just go home (and wallow). So, I will more than likely go.
I am praying that things change in my personal relationship. I know what I want to happen and hopefully God will lead it to that place. I am going to try to remain calm and hopeful in the process.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Hugs....
So, I am going to get my daughter enrolled in summer camp. It is the county summer camp program but it builds character anyway.
I had to go to the frickin base youth center summer camp ran by teenagers when I was coming up and I made it out alive......lol....so, she will be fine. Socialization at its fine, bare bones.
I am up about 4.2 pounds and I knew that I was up. I am a bit ashamed to have to report that but at the same time, I'm not gonna pull any punches. I am going to get back on track and stop trying to wallow. This is ridiculously tough right now but I owe it to myself to try to make it through without gaining back every pound I have lost in the process.
I haven't been taking my medication correctly, haven't been doing any meditation, haven't been doing any exercising. So, its time to get back on task.
I have readings tonight and I REALLY don't want to go. Part of it is me punishing myself and the other part of it is me wanting to just go home (and wallow). So, I will more than likely go.
I am praying that things change in my personal relationship. I know what I want to happen and hopefully God will lead it to that place. I am going to try to remain calm and hopeful in the process.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Hugs....
Sunday, June 10, 2012
It's Real...
Depression is real that is. I have been trying to smile through it and forget about the reasons and navigate myself to the other side, whatever that is. It's not happening though. I feel like a zombie. I'm detached from reality from myself from others from life. I'm not suicidal or anything stupid like that. I'm a realist, even in my detached state. This is just a portion of life that I don't have the ability to adjust to just yet. I'm overwhelmed by how unfair it all is. I am stuck in a state of disbelief and doing the adult thing. I'm miserable. Not myself. I don't have any clue of how things are supposed to be and it is so frustrating. I have invested all of my life in what I thought my life was going to be and now it isn't and I have NO idea what to do about it or about me.
It seems as though this will never be over. This feeling I mean. I know it isn't true but it doesn't stop me from thinking that or feeling that. Mostly wondering if there is ever anyone that wants to be there for and with me. Probably not. More than likely not. It is just the design of my life I suppose. It really is too much to think about. I know that if this didn't work I am not willing to try any more. I just get to sit back and watch everyone move on with their lives and I just dutifully report and do what I am supposed to do and wait for the day when I have done all I am here to do and that is that. Sad. Pitiful.
I am all the way off the diet. I have not actually eaten any sugar or carbs but I'm not trying either. I haven't exercised and I don't want to either. I have been doing the PP days and the PV days but it is mostly just auto pilot. I actually feel like I am gaining weight but I'm too scared to get on the scales and have yet another thing I'm not able to maintain be shoved in my face at this point in time.
It's already 11:30pm and I know that I won't sleep until 2am or so because that's how it always is when my mind is full and my heart is empty. I just wait to pass out and then work doubly hard to drag myself back out of bed again in the morning. Paste that fake ass smile back on and go out there and do what I am supposed to do.
I don't yet understand why I am so undesireable and useless in other people's lives. I know that this is a huge reason why food is such a good friend of mine because I have never had to deal with it walking away and I have never been "not good enough" to have food. I just don't have any words that accurately describe how I feel inside. The depth of the emptiness can not be described. However, no one cares and it doesn't matter because others have their plans and their backup plans and their wants and desires. I am just the idiot that is always believing in what I have and trusting that it will remain. I am a fool. Just not aware of how things can be and even though it has happened over and over in my life, I am always surprised and caught off guard and unprepared to handle it when it comes.
It's not fair. It's wrong. It's unfair, it's unfair, it's unfair and it isn't right.
I will stop complaining and whining about being alone eventually. To anyone that doesn't wanna read this, I apologize. However, this blog is for me most of all and right now besides food and alcohol, it's the only thing I have to talk to. That's sad. But that's MY life.
Hugs...
It seems as though this will never be over. This feeling I mean. I know it isn't true but it doesn't stop me from thinking that or feeling that. Mostly wondering if there is ever anyone that wants to be there for and with me. Probably not. More than likely not. It is just the design of my life I suppose. It really is too much to think about. I know that if this didn't work I am not willing to try any more. I just get to sit back and watch everyone move on with their lives and I just dutifully report and do what I am supposed to do and wait for the day when I have done all I am here to do and that is that. Sad. Pitiful.
I am all the way off the diet. I have not actually eaten any sugar or carbs but I'm not trying either. I haven't exercised and I don't want to either. I have been doing the PP days and the PV days but it is mostly just auto pilot. I actually feel like I am gaining weight but I'm too scared to get on the scales and have yet another thing I'm not able to maintain be shoved in my face at this point in time.
It's already 11:30pm and I know that I won't sleep until 2am or so because that's how it always is when my mind is full and my heart is empty. I just wait to pass out and then work doubly hard to drag myself back out of bed again in the morning. Paste that fake ass smile back on and go out there and do what I am supposed to do.
I don't yet understand why I am so undesireable and useless in other people's lives. I know that this is a huge reason why food is such a good friend of mine because I have never had to deal with it walking away and I have never been "not good enough" to have food. I just don't have any words that accurately describe how I feel inside. The depth of the emptiness can not be described. However, no one cares and it doesn't matter because others have their plans and their backup plans and their wants and desires. I am just the idiot that is always believing in what I have and trusting that it will remain. I am a fool. Just not aware of how things can be and even though it has happened over and over in my life, I am always surprised and caught off guard and unprepared to handle it when it comes.
It's not fair. It's wrong. It's unfair, it's unfair, it's unfair and it isn't right.
I will stop complaining and whining about being alone eventually. To anyone that doesn't wanna read this, I apologize. However, this blog is for me most of all and right now besides food and alcohol, it's the only thing I have to talk to. That's sad. But that's MY life.
Hugs...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)