Depression is real that is. I have been trying to smile through it and forget about the reasons and navigate myself to the other side, whatever that is. It's not happening though. I feel like a zombie. I'm detached from reality from myself from others from life. I'm not suicidal or anything stupid like that. I'm a realist, even in my detached state. This is just a portion of life that I don't have the ability to adjust to just yet. I'm overwhelmed by how unfair it all is. I am stuck in a state of disbelief and doing the adult thing. I'm miserable. Not myself. I don't have any clue of how things are supposed to be and it is so frustrating. I have invested all of my life in what I thought my life was going to be and now it isn't and I have NO idea what to do about it or about me.
It seems as though this will never be over. This feeling I mean. I know it isn't true but it doesn't stop me from thinking that or feeling that. Mostly wondering if there is ever anyone that wants to be there for and with me. Probably not. More than likely not. It is just the design of my life I suppose. It really is too much to think about. I know that if this didn't work I am not willing to try any more. I just get to sit back and watch everyone move on with their lives and I just dutifully report and do what I am supposed to do and wait for the day when I have done all I am here to do and that is that. Sad. Pitiful.
I am all the way off the diet. I have not actually eaten any sugar or carbs but I'm not trying either. I haven't exercised and I don't want to either. I have been doing the PP days and the PV days but it is mostly just auto pilot. I actually feel like I am gaining weight but I'm too scared to get on the scales and have yet another thing I'm not able to maintain be shoved in my face at this point in time.
It's already 11:30pm and I know that I won't sleep until 2am or so because that's how it always is when my mind is full and my heart is empty. I just wait to pass out and then work doubly hard to drag myself back out of bed again in the morning. Paste that fake ass smile back on and go out there and do what I am supposed to do.
I don't yet understand why I am so undesireable and useless in other people's lives. I know that this is a huge reason why food is such a good friend of mine because I have never had to deal with it walking away and I have never been "not good enough" to have food. I just don't have any words that accurately describe how I feel inside. The depth of the emptiness can not be described. However, no one cares and it doesn't matter because others have their plans and their backup plans and their wants and desires. I am just the idiot that is always believing in what I have and trusting that it will remain. I am a fool. Just not aware of how things can be and even though it has happened over and over in my life, I am always surprised and caught off guard and unprepared to handle it when it comes.
It's not fair. It's wrong. It's unfair, it's unfair, it's unfair and it isn't right.
I will stop complaining and whining about being alone eventually. To anyone that doesn't wanna read this, I apologize. However, this blog is for me most of all and right now besides food and alcohol, it's the only thing I have to talk to. That's sad. But that's MY life.
Hugs...
Hey Sadness! dont be so hard on yourself. You have lost weight and a clothes size! a few people have been blogging lately about believing in yourself and thinking positive! write yourself a mantra and repeat it every time you feel down. you can do it! Ive put on a few lbs as had a week off work and ate what i wanted (oops) but we know we can do it!! cheer up, hope you feel better!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are right Shann, I am going to try to get focused on something positive and get out of my funk. Thank you for being supportive of me! Hugs...
DeleteHey sweetie. You sound in such pain. I'm so sorry that you've been so hurt lately. I don't know all the details but it sounds like it's really effecting you badly. The only thing I can think of to say is there is someone who loves you more than any human that will be there for you always. Although it sometimes feel like He is far away, it's usually us that's moved away. Turn to your creator and He will shelter you under His wing.
ReplyDeleteAnd although we've just met over the blogging land, I think you are pretty special and would love to be your friend.
Hugs xx
This brings tears to my eyes. Thank you for being so kind and I already consider you all my e-friends and you are so consistent in replying and lending your hand. I truly appreciate you. You are also right about what a friend we have in Jesus. I am very blessed and I know that God will see fit to do what is best in my life. Thanks for that reminder because sometimes I do stray away, well alot of times and it gets dark away from the one true light. Hugs.....
DeleteSounds like you are in a full-blown depression ... which is NO FUN! (Speaking from personal experience). I hope you will get out of the funk as soon as possible.
ReplyDeleteTry to be as good to yourself as possible - especially if you are all alone, you might as well be as nice to yourself as you can ... right?