I did it again....

Hello All,

Verdict 323.6

Another decrease.....exciting.

I think I'm gonna stop weighing myself for the week. Just thought I would share that because it is the latest and I know of it, so why not give up the goods!!!???!!!

I'm having a better day today. I had a really long and drawn out call today. However, I split all the files correctly and imported with no errors from my file at all. I was very pleased with the results of the call. Yay Me.

I did my Zumba again last night and I actually made it through the entire video this time. Was I out of gas, yes, but I finished it dog gone it!

I feel proud of myself when I do my exercise.

Hugs....

Invasion of the Body Snatchers.....

Good Morning All (or good evening to my water buddy)

Verdict: 324.2

I have a confession to make. I am scared out of my mind about losing weight. I have been waiting for the pounds to start to come down and I have been experiencing inches lost instead and now the pounds are starting to melt down a bit and I am horrified.

This. Is. Pure. Craziness.

I think I need some therapy. I am sitting here fighting back tears of dread because I am wearing a shirt I just bought a couple of months ago and looking at myself in the mirror this morning wearing it made me scared of what I am becoming. I looked like I was wearing someone else's clothes. I'm horrified.

I guess I have identified myself with being heavy for so long that it is a little  a LOT overwhelming to discover a new me. To discover that I actually have the ability to lose weight and I am scared to death. I'm a moron obviously. Nevermind my "ism". I just have to figure this out. I have identified that this is the same feeling I have felt in the past when I dropped a few pounds and I remember vividly always going and eating up nachos or cheesesteaks or ice cream what ever I knew would sabotage me and take me back to a familiar place. A familiar identity. I don't know who I am becoming because this time I have identified it for what it really is....FEAR.....and I'm almost paralyzed by it. Strange thing this time is that I want to confront it but I don't have the tools to confront it but I also enjoy my eating and my new way of eating and I haven't even had the urge to go sabotage myself.

I am actually going walking during my lunch hour each day, I have been true to my every other day schedule of Zumba, so far anyway. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Why am I being responsible and caring toward this person I have hated so much for so long.....ME.

Okay, the tears have come now and I'm sitting here at work crying like an unhinged person...well silently weeping anyway, but I'm a drama queen.

Has anyone experienced this before. What did you do? How did you handle it? Did you even identify it as what I am explaining. I'm growing and changing and losing (weight). I don't know who I am. But I am still willing and wanting to learn this new woman. I want to hug her and tell her its going to be okay. I want her to know that I have missed her. I just don't know her language yet. Guess I'm gonna have to see if Rosetta Stone has a translator for Fat Girl to Skinny Girl speak. (lil joke, but really) HELP!

Hugs.....

GOD loves us....

So, today I am a little bit down. Not sure why but I am.

However, I am very excited because I did Zumba last night and I didn't have to stop until I was about 40 minutes in this time, so 40 minutes in with no breaks was a fantastic way to end my evening. I slept pretty well too. I was hot as a monkey's backside for some reason but I was feeling good about life on my way to dreamland.

I have high expectations for my day despite my little looming rain cloud. I think it was mostly because I could have stayed on the couch all day and watched trash tv instead of coming out to make a living, but you know the whole used to sleeping in a home thing won out over being on the street, yet again. Pesky civilization.

I have a pretty decent menu for the day. Shanna made some fish and I also have dinner from last night which was chicken stir fry. I have to pick around the veggies of course because it is a PP day (that sounds so funny) but I have enough food to get me through.

I am hoping for a better month in finances for June. My mother is turning 60 and I would like to do something nice for her so I will need to think really hard to get something she will really feel good about, it is a milestone you know.

Mom called upset this morning because she wants to drop about 30 pounds and she went to a stupid WW meeting last night and was feeling overwhelmed by having to write everything down and calculate everything. I told her don't do it. She has never been the type that needs to be in total control over every single detail of the day and she is just gonna get more frustrated counting points in every damn thing. I want her to use Dukan but she doesn't really understand that either and she takes several different medications that could potentially make her Hypo, so I will have to see what kind of hybrid I can suggest for her. She needs me and I want to be there for her. I think that may be contributing to my mood, feeling kind of helpless in helping with her situation, but I'm a smart cookie, never been accused of being dumb, so I'm sure I will figure something out.

I have been meeting my goal for the water challenge daily so I am feeling good about that. My E-Friend that I am having the challenge with lives across the "pond" so to speak so getting times to contact together is a bit challenging at the moment. However, I am here to be supportive and be supported so I will figure out how to do that as well.

I'm excited about my future, so I will hold on to that for my happiness today. That and the fact that GOD loves me to pieces should do it for me. My best to you all. (p.s. He loves you to pieces too!)

Hugs....

Victory!

Yep, that's right!

Verdict: 325.2

Eek! A mouse.....

It has taken 3 weeks since I began cruise (the entire cruise) for my body to let go. I hope this starts a rolling snow ball of continuous reduction.

I read somewhere that your body kinda goes into panic mode when you lose alot of weight really quickly (even if it is water) So, with that being said, that explains why it has been such a push for the weight to start to let go again. I lost damn near 15 pounds during my attack and that was only set at a projected estimate to lose about 7 pounds I believe, so I doubled that. My body was like "HIT THE BRAKES" and I have moved up and down since then.

Except for today. Today the sweet taste of victory is mine, mine all mine all mine all mine all mine all mine....Woot! Who would think anyone would be so happy about weighing 325 pounds huh? lol. I am!

So, key changes were, Zumba and a walk at lunch. I can do that. It is hard to get away from my desk during the day because I have to be on so many phone calls, but I am going to have to make the push for me. I am very motivated today.

Now, on to other "life" stuff. I have become a not so awesome money manager. Hopefully next month I will be able to swing this new grocery bill a little better as we have had an investigative type of month figuring out the things we like to eat on PP days and PV days. I will still go to whole foods for some select items but as far as "grocery shopping" gonna have to stick to wally world until I get my finances straightened out some more. We are technically "BROKE" until payday and that is nearly 9 days away. It is really not cute. I hate being broke and I have an overdrawn account. SUCKS! I know I have gone wrong on spending a few of those dollars but we had some important expenses at the beginning of the month that we didn't really plan for and so it goes. 9 days with no fun money.....or gas money....boooooooo. lol. GOD will provide, just gonna plan better next month.

I have a fairly challenging call today at work that I am not quite sure about but I will make it through the best I can. Sometimes I don't feel very prepared for those things either. However......lest we NOT forget.

TODAY!!!!!! VICTORY IS MINE! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA (cough, cough) MUHAH HA HA HA HA


Hugs....

Loooooooooooong Day.....Short Post.

Yeah,

I'm ready to go home. It has been a SUPER long day an unfortunately, I really don't have a heck of a lot of update to give today.

I have been on the phone non-stop and I have a full week ahead as well. I haven't eaten much today at all. Mostly drank coffee. I had some Chicken Adobo that I made last night for lunch today. I had eggs and turkey bacon for breakfast, non-fat yogurt with wheat germ and plan on having chicken for dinner. That will be the end of my protein day.

I will let you all know if I manage to get involved with Zumba as well.........keep your fingers crossed that the exercise bug continues to bite me...I did walk at lunch today so it's quite possible!!! :o)

Hugs...

I'm being followed! Tear...sniff, sniff.....joy.

So!!!! I can't hold in my excitement....I have two new followers! I feel like a real blogger now. Yay! Okay, so this post could have probably waited until tomorrow, but technically, it IS tomorrow for me.

To cover the remainder of my day yesterday.....I got my water in for the day because I joined a Zealous Girl's water challenge and it is helpful and........*drumroll*........... I did 40 whole minutes of Zumba! Eek! Yes, that's right, the exercise has begun.

I have tired of the scales not budging and I need something to do with this extra energy, so I have finally given up and given in to doing things the right way and getting off of my hind parts and exercising.

Tomorrow should be a decent day. I'm looking forward to 5pm already though. Something pretty O-mazing happened today too. Kim called me. She is getting married. If you knew Kim you would know that both of those sentences are cause for pause.

I am happy for her though. It was also good to hear from her. It's like the universe is folding in on itself. I'm good with it though. More on that once I suss out my feelings and get myself in a better frame of mind about relationships with friends. Right now I don't remember what its like to have friends that I can just call and just go by and just see that just enjoy me and I just enjoy them. So, because that is how things are right now, I have to get out of my own head in order to figure out how I fit with them and where they fit with me.

Friend applications seem to run in low supply after 30. I know, I know, I know. It's all up to you and how you want things but for a military brat of divorced parents....my roots are few and far between. I have to get miracle gro for my friendships cause the soil can't do it on its own...if you are picking up what I am putting down.

Alright, I'm off to check the dryer and put the clothes in there and head to bed. Another night of insomnia. UGH! I will just lay really still and pretend to be sleep and maybe it will sneak up on me. Good night.

Hugs....

Feelings are emerging where there were none before

Morning All!

Okay, so another Sunday without church and with sleeping in. I can't seem to get it together. I am going to try. I am filled up with tons of trying and not too much doing but this is also not a beat myself up session. I digress. I have been feeling like cheating a whole BIG much. ;o) I haven't done it though.

I am realizing that alot of my emotions are starting to come up. There seem to be alot of thoughts that are coming to the forefront because I am paying more attention to me now. I have been pretty depressed for some years now. Feeling like I haven't really been living up to potential. I have been doing my job and taking care of my home and my daughter and my relationship but I have not been taking very good care of me. I have been depressed since my friendships faltered in around 2007. Wow. That's a long time. I don't really have any "roots" I am just a member of me phi me and its sometimes pretty lonely inside of my mind. I just have to figure out how to start doing the things that make me feel fulfilled. My readings make me feel fulfilled but they are also draining, so I have to give up a whole lot of me to get the good feelings that helping someone else find their way gives to me.

I need to sing more. I hope to get in the studio and lay down a track or two based off of a couple of poems I have written that will make some good songs. I have some ideas for inventions that I need to get patented. I have goals and ideas. I need to start writing some of it down to get myself on track.

Today is a PV day. I started out eating some green leaf lettuce and hamburger and broccoli at the wee hours of the morning because I was just AWAKE. I guess I was up from about midnight to 5am, then I laid down and slept pretty well til around 8:30 or 9. I get my best sleep during those times, that's why its so hard to get up for work in the mornings.....tee hee, but not tee hee.

I would like to do something active today and I need to do laundry and I need to wash my hair, it looks like blechKKKK.

I am addicted to searching for blogs now. I keep saying I am gonna stop but then I keep looking for more. I want to support other Dukaner blogs in hopes I can gain more support too by reaching out and trying to be positive toward others. I enjoy blogging. I used to have a diary on some diary site but I can't remember the name of it. I think it was something like open diary.com or something like that. It's been more than 10 years so I don't know but I remember liking to hear other people's walk of life. It's inspiring and thought provoking and emotional and funny at times as well. It helps me feel like I am not as strange or weird as I sometimes think that I am. I am unique, just like everyone else. :o)

So, that's all I have for right now. I will write more later if it comes up. Til then....

Hugs....