Just Smile and Wave

So, it feels like 10 million years since I have posted. I have just been being slack because there are a few obstacles that have come along that I wasn't expecting to have to deal with really. Such is life I guess.

Kinda brings me to the point of my post.

What happens when you haven't counted your eggs before they are hatched but you have lent someone else your basket???

What I mean is that sometimes you give up so much of yourself and your control to another person that when they are going to leave you they are walking out with your life too. Your hopes, your dreams, your love....it feels like your life has been hijacked.

Why is it like that? We can blame it on love, I'm sure but there has to be some point of self-actualization that occurs and says.....behave this way  and do this thing and just be prepared for this ride because I have super-glued myself to the seat and I am not getting off.

I have been dealing with feeling like a fool, feeling like I should have stopped the madness much sooner, feeling like its my fault why people always leave me, feeling like, feeling like, feeling like. But, feelings are foolish mostly. Feelings get people up on rooftops willing to jump. I have to live in reality based thinking, I can't be overcome with feelings. Yucky and messy emotions. They are debilitating, to me. I can't function at a peak level if I allow that to consume me.

I'm not gonna lie, it bothers me to feel as though I will remain alone. Neither man nor women know how to deal with me nor do they seem to care to find out. Yet they all wanna still be my "friend". I don't want a friend, I want a companion. I don't want to get abused to fullfil that need for companionship either.

I don't feel as though it is my continued responsibility to manage loved ones' emotions because they can't get clear in their own heads and hearts what to do about their feelings. However, it always becomes my fault. It is always about me not listening enough, me not understanding enough, me not, me not, me not, me not.

My looming and unresolved question is what the hell about you???????!!!!!! I can take responsibility for your feelings and for my "lack of understanding" and all of that but what ownership do you take for that? None. People wanna talk about their actions being inexcusable. What about your lack of ownership for trying to force me to work through YOUR feelings. I feel like a cesspool filled with the waste of other people's emotions. However, I'm supposed to just keep smiling and be open to listen and understand whenever any "feelings" come up or out, no matter the circumstance....and if I dare not to....then I am subject to be left alone or cussed out or gone off on or disregarded or disrespected. It becomes my fault.

I used to say my life was like a convalescent home where friends and family came to spend their final days before leaving me alone. I'm like everyone's personal hospice. When is it my turn to have the same care and comfort shed upon me.

It's like my ears and my heart and my mind are like Santa's lap and there is a line wrapped around the mall for miles and as soon as one jumps off my "lap" another jumps on and I'm never supposed to need to stretch, talk about my desires or wants or needs or anything. Just sit still, smile for the camera and keep asking what the next in line wants from me. And, just like Santa, I never show when it "counts" or someone whispers in their ear after they have left my lap that I wasn't really a real person anyway. Then people forget about me and move on. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I can feel myself getting depressed and I don't want it. I hate being so lost and confused. I am strong though, unfortunately. So I have no choice but to get through this, no matter how bad it hurts. The mall is packed and I'm late for my performance.

Hugs.