10/21/13 - Morning

When I started this blog I had the best intentions. Thoughts on becoming a new me, thinking "This is it!, this is the diet I have been looking for that is going to change my existence". I was a fool. There is nothing wrong with the diet or me. I can tell you though that I am the same weight as when I started this nearly two years ago. Why? Good question, and I do not have an answer for you.

I am in poor health. I have diabetes and high blood pressure and I am obese. I live a sedentary lifestyle and I don't miss my ritual nightcap(s) either. Why would I want this life? Why would I continue to CHOOSE to live this way on a daily basis. Why would I enjoy this? Yes, I must enjoy it or I would not continue to live this way.... maybe I feel trapped. My relationship with food is like that of a battered spouse. I keep letting myself be abused by my intake of its "love". I won't reach out for help, I'm scared to leave, I make plans to leave and start anew and I keep laying down with it every night.

I am trying again. I am in escape mode....again. Am I looking for support? NO. Am I looking for someone to identify with me? NO. Am I trying to figure out who the hell I have become.....maybe. My struggle with what I allow in my mouth and what I do with my body is the biggest obstacle I have ever dealt with in my life. Food has been my friend, my lover, my mother, my father, my brother, my sister, my child, my teacher, my preacher and even my demi-god. I have worshipped chocolate chip cookies. I have worshipped a fat steak. Either way it goes, food has an addictive control over my life. It is my slave master. I am owned.

So, how do I change this? How do I morph this. I have no clue. But I am going to try again. Right now. Not next week or after breakfast or in the morning. Right now. I forgive myself for failure in the past. I will no longer be the toy of an inanimate object. I will control my mouth and my body. They have been issued to me to take care of and I have a job to get done. I pray you find your way as well. Hugs to all. I'm back. -S.