Ahem....let me clear my throat...

So, I have found out a lot about myself and my "friends" this weekend.

You know when you have those moments where you watch yourself grow, right in front of your own eyes.....that's what I have done this weekend. And, bonus, all from the comfort of my own living room. That's right. Now it makes sense to me when my Mom's reply to me "finding myself" was..."Find yourself????!!! You can find yourself right here at 1234 Main Street" (she actually said our real address). lol.

Looking back now though, she was right. I found some of myself this weekend and it involved being really honest with myself about a few people that I refer to as friends that really aren't very friendly at all.

I have been "friends" with these people I'm talking about for roughly 6 years which is a very long time for me to do anything at all except for stay black and die. I have considered these people to be the type of people that I am always willing to drop everything and run to help if it ever required it.

One of them got married over the weekend and called me about 4 days before to ask me to come to the wedding. Mind you that I haven't spoken to this "friend" in over 3 years, maybe 4 and then clear out of the blue you want me to attend your wedding. Where is the part where we sit down and talk about why we haven't talked in 4 years? Don't I deserve to have that conversation with you before I am forced to pretend I know an entire group of people who are your new nearest and dearest friends and just blend into the crowd like I just saw you yesterday???!!! Wrong answer. Guess what people, standing up for myself felt good. The old me would have went with my tounge bit until it bled and smiled and pretended that life was perfect. I am happy that she is married now, I am happy that she thought to call me. However, I am in a place in life where I also recognize that real friendship is not just about me showing up and being happy for things that are happening with you, I matter too and it should be reciprocated. I am not your private plug and play audience that you can use when it works for you and then ignore when things don't jive or match up with your current trend for the week, day, month, blabbity blah blah blah.

The other friend, this is quite interesting.....just found out about an incident that occurred that after finding out about it was that crucial link that made a whole bevy of other things make all the more sense for how our relationship has evolved and what the moving parts all really mean. The keystone of behavior if you will. This person who makes more money than I do, has a bigger house than I do, has two kids and their father is in the home with them and has a better car and blah blah blah is totally and insanely jealous of me. This person actually dated an ex of mine behind my back, which I just found out this weekend. The same ex who was incessantly stalking me and I was wondering how this ex kept finding out where I was and what I was doing....OHHHHHHHHH that's because my "friend" was relaying everything back to my ex while they were "seeing one another". Totally unacceptable, but believeable. It's not just heresay either. No wonder every time I am over it's like oh, lets eat this together, let's have that together, I know you are doing low carb but you can have these potato chips, they are new. Let me make you a margarita.

STOP BEING A BITCH TO ME. I'M YOUR FRIEND, UNFORTUNATELY YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THAT MEANS AND IT MUST TRANSLATE TO SWORN ENEMY IN YOUR MIND BUT YOU ARE FIGHTING BY YOURSELF BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOU AS MORE THAN SOMEONE WHO I COULD BE THERE FOR AND YOU ARE CONSTANTLY TRYING TO SNAKE YOUR WAY BEHIND MY BACK SO YOU CAN FIND YOUR KNIFE TO STAB ME WITH IT AGAIN!!!! aAAAAHAHFAHDSILFHASDIOFHAO;HFLIWEHRIOWHERIO;!!!!!

(sorry that was a little ranty, but really though...seriously)

Anyhoo, in reflection on these events, I have realized that I am allowed to have feelings and to be offended by or not want to put up with certain "friends" and I don't even have to call them that if they are not serving that function. I am not going to continue to call a fridge a fridge if it no longer keeps my food cold.

I'm worth more than what I have been allowing to happen in some of the relationships that I have. So, all of that to say that:

A. I didn't go to the wedding

and

B. No, I don't want any potato chips you backstabbing winch.

That's all for now. :0)

Hugs.....